Another One Down
Jun. 13th, 2009 09:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rickpsI'm going to break with my tradition of never posting on the subject of my personal "social" relationships. So here goes...
Several months ago I started seeing a gentleman that I'd originally connected with online. Smart, good looking, responsible, passionate, financially comfortable, he had a lot going for him. Our time together commenced with shared meals, visits to the theater and movies and grew quickly to spending time together which, yes, including doing the nasty (gotta love that expression). We were quite compatible there too despite some years difference between us. We seemed to be on the glide path towards serious dating, a concept that I welcomed as did he.
Well, that changed a few weeks ago.
We'd planned to meet out of town over a weekend before some personal and family obligations were going to pull him away for a few weeks. All well and good, we'd done the same before, always had a wonderful time. We met at our accommodations and, ahem, renewed our closeness. Then, after a rather nice dinner, we returned to our hotel room. He indicated his desire to smoke a cigarette (he smokes one or two cigarettes a day at most, a fact I'd been aware of). As they were in his car, he'd go to his car, smoke, and be right back. I elected to hang out in the room and relax. Sounds fine so far, eh? And then it went as the Brits say, all pear shaped.
I fell asleep after waiting a half hour or so and awoke about 2 hours later. My man had not returned and concerns for his safety and whereabouts filled my thoughts. I called his cell phone (I knew he had it with him). No answer. I called again a few minutes later, again no answer. Concern began to metastasize into real worry. I got dressed and began to search the parking lot as I walked towards his parked car about a block away. Nothing. His car was parked exactly as it had been earlier in the evening.
'Where does one go at 2:30AM?' I wondered. It was then that I recalled that a casino was on the next block. I decided to search there next, the last step before dialing 911. And yes, amid the clouds of cigarette smoke and ringing slot machines, there he was, calmly seated in front of a machine, cigarette in one had, a few $20 bills in the other. He greeted me warmly and seemed oblivious when I said, through gritted teeth, 'I thought you were just going out for a smoke'. He made a neutral comment and went back to his machine. 'I'm going back to the room, I'm tired' I announced not wanting to make a scene in a public venue, presuming that he'd follow me back in short order.
Once back in the room, I sat waiting. As the minutes ticked by, my anger turned to fury. And so at 3:30AM with no man in sight, I packed my things, checked out of the room, and drove home. As I left town, I called his cell knowing that I'd once again get his voicemail. You can imagine what I said in that message.
Later that morning after returning home and some much needed sleep, I awoke to find one of a series of text messages of apology from my wandering gent. I decided to take the high road and ask for an explanation of his actions. Perhaps I was hoping for some response that would convince me it was worthwhile to forgive, if not forget. I never got that response. In it's place were profuse apologies and the comment that 'he really didn't know what he was thinking'. An all too easy response which, I believe, was hiding an explanation he was reluctant to divulge. No relationship should have such unknowns at its core. I called it quits telling him my reasons. Final decision.
All of this has made me wonder what is, and what is not, forgivable behavior. I have no regrets regarding my decision. The man, by his actions and his refusal to offer any plausible explanation, was outside the circle. But what, I wonder is considered forgivable? Context is critical, seriousness of the betrayal a key consideration. I'm reminded of all of those relationships based on understandings regarding play outside the partnering where one or both partners choose to stray. On what basis do we decide that doing 'X' can be forgiven while 'Y' cannot. Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, as we fight for the same rights as straight relationships, should we not attempt to be the example and avoid the accusation from the biased straight community that 'gay people don't have the morality to make a relationship work'.
It's all about honesty, I think. And having the strength of character to be honest.
Several months ago I started seeing a gentleman that I'd originally connected with online. Smart, good looking, responsible, passionate, financially comfortable, he had a lot going for him. Our time together commenced with shared meals, visits to the theater and movies and grew quickly to spending time together which, yes, including doing the nasty (gotta love that expression). We were quite compatible there too despite some years difference between us. We seemed to be on the glide path towards serious dating, a concept that I welcomed as did he.
Well, that changed a few weeks ago.
We'd planned to meet out of town over a weekend before some personal and family obligations were going to pull him away for a few weeks. All well and good, we'd done the same before, always had a wonderful time. We met at our accommodations and, ahem, renewed our closeness. Then, after a rather nice dinner, we returned to our hotel room. He indicated his desire to smoke a cigarette (he smokes one or two cigarettes a day at most, a fact I'd been aware of). As they were in his car, he'd go to his car, smoke, and be right back. I elected to hang out in the room and relax. Sounds fine so far, eh? And then it went as the Brits say, all pear shaped.
I fell asleep after waiting a half hour or so and awoke about 2 hours later. My man had not returned and concerns for his safety and whereabouts filled my thoughts. I called his cell phone (I knew he had it with him). No answer. I called again a few minutes later, again no answer. Concern began to metastasize into real worry. I got dressed and began to search the parking lot as I walked towards his parked car about a block away. Nothing. His car was parked exactly as it had been earlier in the evening.
'Where does one go at 2:30AM?' I wondered. It was then that I recalled that a casino was on the next block. I decided to search there next, the last step before dialing 911. And yes, amid the clouds of cigarette smoke and ringing slot machines, there he was, calmly seated in front of a machine, cigarette in one had, a few $20 bills in the other. He greeted me warmly and seemed oblivious when I said, through gritted teeth, 'I thought you were just going out for a smoke'. He made a neutral comment and went back to his machine. 'I'm going back to the room, I'm tired' I announced not wanting to make a scene in a public venue, presuming that he'd follow me back in short order.
Once back in the room, I sat waiting. As the minutes ticked by, my anger turned to fury. And so at 3:30AM with no man in sight, I packed my things, checked out of the room, and drove home. As I left town, I called his cell knowing that I'd once again get his voicemail. You can imagine what I said in that message.
Later that morning after returning home and some much needed sleep, I awoke to find one of a series of text messages of apology from my wandering gent. I decided to take the high road and ask for an explanation of his actions. Perhaps I was hoping for some response that would convince me it was worthwhile to forgive, if not forget. I never got that response. In it's place were profuse apologies and the comment that 'he really didn't know what he was thinking'. An all too easy response which, I believe, was hiding an explanation he was reluctant to divulge. No relationship should have such unknowns at its core. I called it quits telling him my reasons. Final decision.
All of this has made me wonder what is, and what is not, forgivable behavior. I have no regrets regarding my decision. The man, by his actions and his refusal to offer any plausible explanation, was outside the circle. But what, I wonder is considered forgivable? Context is critical, seriousness of the betrayal a key consideration. I'm reminded of all of those relationships based on understandings regarding play outside the partnering where one or both partners choose to stray. On what basis do we decide that doing 'X' can be forgiven while 'Y' cannot. Stepping back and looking at the bigger picture, as we fight for the same rights as straight relationships, should we not attempt to be the example and avoid the accusation from the biased straight community that 'gay people don't have the morality to make a relationship work'.
It's all about honesty, I think. And having the strength of character to be honest.
