rickps | The Devil Wears a Red G

I don't need a new car. Really, I don't

They're devils at the local Infiniti dealer, devils I say! They've been sending me stuff in the mail... "Come see our new whatever!" "You're such a good customer, we'll take (insert enticing dollar amount here) off your next service!" They recently introduced the next generation of my G35, knowing, I'm certain, that I'd jump at the articles in the car mags, and lust after one. And so yesterday, when it was time for the 45,000 mile service, I ventured into the fires of the underworld just north of downtown.

No, I love my car. It's running perfectly.

They saw me coming. As I drove up, I have no doubt that, somewhere in the shadowy recesses of a service bay out back, they were cackling over a bubbling cauldron. "Well, HI, what can I do for you today?" cooed the cute cubbish furry faced service advisor, one eyebrow seductively raised. I remember mumbling something about scheduled service as the smell of new cars invaded my being. "Oh, is a red 2007 G35 OK as your free loaner for the day?" whispered Cub Advisor as he pointed to a shining vehicle glistening in the morning sunshine. Fighting the urge to drool, I signed the various papers, grabbed a the key in his outstretched hand, and ran, hoping that they'd not have a change of heart and switch to a worn out Yugo they must have in the lot for the non-addicted.

2007 G35 in Red

No, I have no service issues with my car. I'm happy, happy, HAPPY I scream!

As I slide behind the wheel, I realize that the "key" is in fact no longer a key. When you walk up, the car unlocks, the seats and mirrors zip into your desired settings, even the preset radio stations adjust to your whim. Step on the brake and push the start/stop button and Satan's minions purr into wakefulness under the bonnet. Fiddle with the HVAC, tinker with the unfamiliar array of buttons and knobs, slip the beast into gear and I'm off. I think I see Cub Advisor making some infernal hand motions but it's too late for me.

My G35 is the best car I've ever owned, reliable, quiet, a great blend of power and handling

As I merge into morning traffic and hum past the crush of vehicles making the daily trek into downtown, the highway ahead clears, no police in sight. Time to see how this baby accelerates. Among my mental cobwebs is a recollection that this car has nearly 70 horsepower more than my slightly overpowered 2003. My right foot gently presses on the go pedal. Ohmyfrikkinlord! I get pinned back in my seat, the world becoming a blur around me. Hell, we don't just go all the way to plaid (thank you Spaceballs), we go beyond plaid. In what seems to be an instant, I'm at the office. At lunch, I decide that I need to try that restaurant a couple of miles up the freeway. Start, plaid, stop, eat, start, plaid, stop, the cycle repeats as the "Arrest Me Red" horse of the apocalypse escorts me through hyperspace.

I love not having a monthly payment. I'm actually being fiscally responsible!

The day draws to a close, a call tells me that the Dark Lord's brigade have completed the alchemy that is a car service, and it's time to return the beast to it's masters. "Want me, want me, want me" the engine sings as I cover the few remaining miles. "No, it's not a perfect car" I tell myself. It feels a bit heavier and the handling isn't quite as sharp (of course it's not the 'Sport' model and lacks the sticky tires of my current car) and, dammit, Infiniti still can't design an instrument panel that can be read in bright sunshine when you're wearing shades. My grip on the leash of the devil's spawn loosens as I sadly let it drop onto the counter. "It's good to have my trusty plow horse back" I think as I cruise much more slowly home. No start/stop button. No plaid. No song of fallen angels in my ears.

I'm going to keep this car until it wears out!

I didn't buy a new car yesterday but maybe, maybe one day soon...